Looking back over my last two months in Africa, living in Cape Town, SA for 6 weeks, trips to Hermanus at the Birkenhead House, Safaris in Kenya at The Angama, trekking with the Gorillas in Rwanda, speaking to the the young women of Emurutoto Primary school in Masai Mara and some genocide survivors in Kinigi - and now sitting at my desk in Los Angeles, California writing this… It’s so easy to see when you follow your heart it changes you. No I don’t look different, I am still siting in the same apartment in LA as when I left, I didn’t meet the man of my dreams, I am still me, yet something internally has shifted. I feel lighter, more grateful for my life, my friends and my career, I feel clearer on my purpose and I feel a deeper sense of trust and faith in the universe for exactly where I am in my life.
What happens when we trust the pull and move?
What happens when we hear that little voice inside that says “`Africa” and we follow it? What happens when we have no idea why we are doing something but we do it because we trust that internal guide instead of the voice in the head screaming “alarm bells”, “don’t go”, “the variant”, “alone, again somewhere”, “loser”, “you always thought you’d go to Africa with your next husband” “what are you doing”?
I’ll tell you what… growth. I always say and have said I am sure in prior articles you have read by me, that “the pull, is God’s way of showing us the plan.” When you trust it and allow yourself to move, you expand with the universe.
I am not sitting here telling you the trip was smooth sailing. I had some pretty intense feelings come up revolved around my worth and feelings of abandonment that seem to poke their pretty little head out at times. I felt extremely lonely for about a week, wondering if anyone would ever genuinely care about me again (wash victim mode). I questioned my purpose at times when I seemed to not be booking new clients and felt like I was super far from my “market.” I watched my attachment to loss when I spent money, feeling like it always leaves me too and felt the anxiety from lack of safety ensue.
What happens when you say “yes” to these trips or whatever you feel “the pull” to do, is the universe shows up for you. You’re being invited to meet yourself. You are being invited to connect deeper with the truth of who you are. You’re being invited to eat go of some shit. You remove all familiarity and everything the ego identifies with when you travel, and your shit comes up. You feel it in deeper ways because you have nothing to cling to.
What did I do when the “friend” I had hung out with every day in Cape Town the first two weeks I was there, making me dinner, me making him dinner, going out to dinners, coffees, going on hikes, walks on the prom, drives to Hout Bay, decided to stop talking to me because he was going to give a relationship a try with a woman.. and I am speculating, but I think I was getting in the way of that. I felt the trigger in the biggest way I had done before. What came up? Some really f*cking old stories that I thought I had released, “people leave me”, “If I am not perfect, they see something and leave.” “I am never going to meet anyone”, and “I am alone.” I got to decide who I was going to be in the moment. I got to decide what I was going to make it mean. I got to decide if I was going to dive back into victim mode or if I was going to practice what I preach.
So, I embraced my inner cancer and I let my emotions flow.
I took a weekend to myself at a beautiful hotel in Hermanus, called the Birkenhead House. I took long walks by the ocean, I got a massage and I journaled. There I felt the pain of the loss. Even though this person was a “friend”, I did feel a connection to him. So what it represented was the loss of men I felt connected to in my life, who had “left”. I didn’t feel the “loss” of just this person, I felt the loss of all the men along with way. My brother who died when I was young, ex-boyfriends, my ex-husband and so on. I felt what I had made that mean to myself over the last 35 years of my life, which was I wasn’t enough for people to stay. After about a week of pain, I got back in my power and decided I get to be a different version of myself. I get to heal this. I have been invited to, and I will heal this. I get to let this bull shit story go. I get to see the truth. I get to nourish myself and hold my energy around this.
What happens when we hold our energy and give ourselves what we want from others? What happens when we embrace the truth of who we are? We literally start to trust ourselves. We heal.
And what happened from there was profound, some how not only did my attachment to loss of people I am connected to in my life shift, but so did my connection to loss when I spent money. I started to feel no loss only investments in myself, others and the universe.
I started to feel this intense faith that everything in life was making energetic deposits in my bank account. That whatever I give, I get to receive. That I am worthy of full-time connection. I am worthy of full time love. I am worthy of being and feeling fully supported by the universe at all times. Not just when I have a certain amount of money in my bank account. Not just when I have people mirroring at me that I am enough. I felt this on a deeper level than I ever had before.
This idea that things leave me completely shifted. Nothing leaves me, if I don’t leave myself. If I don’t abandon myself when my external world doesn’t mirror exactly what my ego wants, then I am always there. I always get to have my back. I always get to support myself. I always get to connect to myself. I always get to nurture myself. I always get to choose worthiness and faith. I always get to be and have enough. I always get to be the universe.
From that point on, my trip seemed to be somewhat of a fairytale. I met people in Cape Town I played tennis with, which healed my relationship to that - side story I grew up playing competitively and I pretty much hated the sport by the time I reached 20, but this person reintroduced me to it and I felt so clear that I love it again and it can just be fun, it doesn’t have to be perfect - Ahh haaa another break through. We took cold dips in the ocean where I discovered the profound affect ice cold dips have on the mind, another ah haaaa, I am taking with me from Cape Town. We explored Cape Town’s culinary scene where I got to embrace pleasure of the senses. We went on long hikes in Constantia, Lion’s Head and Kloof corner - I haven’t felt this strong in years. I took a trip to Kenya and Rwanda where I recognized my purpose like a slap in the face, when I was given the opportunity to speak to the young women there, who’s struggles are different than mine and those of us in the states, yet recognizing our shared humanity and that the formula for growth is the same. Speaking to those young women was just as life transforming for me as they said it was for them. I got see elephants up close and personal, by far my favorite animal on this planet and fell in love with the grace of giraffes. We can learn so much from the animal kingdom - life isn’t personal, sometimes it’s survival. The lion just eats when it’s hungry. We can’t all be the lion though, some of us have to be the zebra or the gazelle. It’s worthwhile embracing the truth of who we are instead of a zebra trying to change it’s stripes. While being on the mara, codes came through for my next course - Money, Magnetism and Manifestation. And I couldn’t be more excited to share them with whomever feels the pull!
Lastly, I also got too spend time on safari with my Dad, which I never expected to do. I always thought I’d go on safari with my next husband. Lol. Sometimes the universe knows exactly what it is doing though. It was such a special time with my father who had never been to Africa before either. To be able to share those experiences with my him, at this age, after not having a very connected relationship with him when I was a kid, was also extremely healing, supportive and special. We saw lions, leopards, zebras crossing the river in thousands, we trekked with the gorillas in rain forest, saw silverbacks and a baby gorilla that was a week old. The most rewarding was for my father to see me speak to these women and share what I am currently doing with my life. It felt really special to let him in on a huge piece of my life… and then have him get up and speak to them too. In that moment, I realized my desire to give back was from my father. He got up there and spoke like a champ and then of course, started to cry because that’s my dad. The biggest heart in the world. And so did I. I got that from him too. To recognize my shared qualities with my father was the consecutiveness I was desiring to have to my father at a young age, realized at 35 :)
To be honest I had no idea what I was going to write today when I sat down. I had wrote a whole other article on my other computer that broke about embracing the “feminine energies of cancer”. Yet this is what came out. What I realized is, this was the living example of embracing my inner cancer and reaping the rewards of doing so:
-following my intuition
-letting my emotions flow
-embracing vulnerability and authenticity
-nurturing myself and others
-conected to ancestral healing
I think we hit the high points.
So as you can see when we follow our hearts, let ourselves feel what wants to come up and embrace our truth, magic unfolds. The universe shows up for us in ways we didn’t know it could. Helaing transpires, expansion ensues.
Trust the pull and move!
Mantras for Cancer season:
Erica Sauer is an Intuitive Life Coach, Breathwork Facilitator & Writer.
she hosts morning breath work and an evening group discussion for our community. You can enroll here.
Read more articles by Erica: https://www.ericasauer.com/
Millions of Mirrors by Erica Sauer is based on the assumption that everything outside of us is a reflection of what is going on inside. That all our thoughts, beliefs and stories about ourselves and society create the present reality that is unfolding in front of us. It is the idea that if you do not like what is happening outside of yourself, you have the power to transform it by shedding the limitations and constructs you have been programmed to believe. This editorial space offers spiritual guidance, lessons, and practical tips and tools to allow you see the truth of yourself and embrace all you are becoming. Follow along with Intuitive Life Coach & Writer, Erica Sauer, so you can turn your magic all the way the f*&k on.